Broken, but Healing

Depression is a very hard disease to describe. There are so many parts that affect it, it's also extremely hard to treat. There is not a fix-all. It is different for everyone.

I have struggled with my latest episode for about a year and a half now. I hit rock bottom last Wednesday. I am too embarrassed to go into much detail, but I was truly praying to my Father in Heaven to let me move on from my struggles, to the peace I know I will feel in the next life. I have tried many, many, many things to try and fix my disease. To make it go away. To feel like me again. From medicine and therapy, to prayer, mediation, exercise, etc. I have tried to stay busy and ignore it. I have tried to think through it. Somethings have helped in bits... but nothing has been the cure-all I was looking for.

I have realized there is no cure-all. This is my climb, my journey. I would say I don't know why me, but I received that answer in a blessing today. It is because I am strong enough to overcome it. I am strong enough to endure to the end. And how much better that peace will feel when I have succeeded in my struggle, when I have won.

There are so many things that I know have contributed to my depression. A big one was not forgiving myself, for so many things.

There is a woman in my mind... the person I should be. She is perfect in every way. Her house is always immaculate. Her children are well behaved, fed the perfect amount of fruits and vegetables, and bathed everyday. Her laundry is never piled. Her makeup never runs. Her husband never reminds her to call the cell phone company or the cable company. She can buy all her groceries without spending a dime. She is great at work, and all her coworkers and those around her adore her. She can do anything and everything she sets her mind too. She is the best at any calling she receives, always does her visiting teaching, always baking, always praying, always reading her scriptures, always attending the temple. She has never had one nasty thought about anyone, ever. She has never said a bad word, never said a cruel word. She is EVERYTHING that I am NOT.

I could not forgive myself for NOT being her. I could not forgive myself for my past transgressions and sins. I could not move on. I have carried a weight on my shoulders most of my life. That weight has very greatly contributed to my depression.

I also know that alot of my problems come from hormones. Chemical imbalances. Some drugs treated it for a while. But they're no longer working. I kind of feel like the doctor who prescribed them wasn't listening to me. Every time I said they weren't working, my doses were upped, in most cases, doubled. I have decided that I'm worse now that I was before taking the medication, so I'm going to see other doctors about coming off of them. Me and Chris have both prayed about this and feel it's the right thing to do. The medication was making it so that I could not think straight. I could not tell what thoughts were my own, prompting from my Father in Heaven, or from somewhere else. I feel like I was/am so medicated, it's hard for me to feel what's right and wrong, real and fake.

The reason I'm sharing all this is because I know lots of people have been checking on me lately... calling to make sure I'm okay.

Yes, I hit rock-bottom last week, but I'm still here. Yes I'm broken, but I'm healing now finally. I finally feel hopeful. Another reason to share is I know I tried for so long to fight this on my own. Chris did not even realize how bad I had gotten until last Wednesday. I have realized now how much I can rely on him. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. When I hit the bottom, and could no longer fight for myself... He fought for me. He fights when I loose the strength to. And my Heavenly Father, through prayer, and blessings, and the scriptures, I've come to recognize even more strongly that I truly am a daughter of God. He is completely aware of my pain and struggles. And he is there for me. He has given me the power and tools necessary to beat this. And I know that through him, I will win.

Lastly, I have you all. My friends and family, Thank you all for listening to the promptings of the spirit. I have received so many phone calls, emails, etc, just from people checking in on me. Some are people I've hardly even spoken to in real life before. I may not have called you back, or written back... But I really really really do appreciate you. This may sound totally cheesy, but I been so blessed by all of you. I hope I can someday return the favor.