Tuesday, April 22, 2008


So, I've been fighting with myself lately on being indifferent to this new baby. It makes me sad that I don't care as much about what's going on this time as I did with taylor. I know that Taylor was my first, and so I know alot more this time around, but I want this baby to feel the same love and excitement that I felt with Taylor but I just can't make that happen. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not having thoughts like "I can't possibly love this baby as much as I love Taylor." Or maybe I am. I don't know. I am just not into this kid. I don't feel any special connection to the little spirit growing inside me. It's not that I don't love Him/Her. I do. I really do. And I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but it's almost like how I feel for the little african children I see on tv with the flies all over the place. Is that just horribly wrong? Am I evil? Sometimes I almost wonder if I'm going to hold a grudge to this kid for taking away my time with taylor. Please tell me these are just crazy pregnancy thoughts. I really feel bad for even saying these things out loud.

I know that I will love and cherish this baby just as much as I do Taylor, and every child I have after... but when will those thoughts and feelings kick in? When I find out what I'm having? When I start shopping for this little one? When I finally have it? A week after it's born? A month after? When will I feel for this little guy/girl like I feel for my taylor? I want those feelings, but I can't make them come. And I feel guilty for it. I almost feel like I would have been fine with having Taylor and only Taylor! I know we're meant to have a bigger family though. I guess for right now, I just need to remember that Heavenly Father sent this child to us for a reason, and I'll fall madly in love with this baby just like I did with Taylor, or else it wouldn't have come to me. It's just hard for me to not put myself down for these feelings I don't feel. Sorry, This is all hormone fueled. I'm sure I'll be over it in 10 minutes or so.

1 comment:

  1. You'll love all your kids. But there will be times when you wish baby2 would go away so you can spend time with baby1 and times you wish baby1 would let you just be alone with baby2.

    some nights you will worry that 1 got way more attention than 2 and then it will switch.

    gulit, is motherhood's faithful shadow. don't worry though, it never quite the same excitment as you have with the first one (cause there isn't the newness or the time) but there is always the love.


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