So, I've been fighting with myself lately on being indifferent to this new baby. It makes me sad that I don't care as much about what's going on this time as I did with taylor. I know that Taylor was my first, and so I know alot more this time around, but I want this baby to feel the same love and excitement that I felt with Taylor but I just can't make that happen. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not having thoughts like "I can't possibly love this baby as much as I love Taylor." Or maybe I am. I don't know. I am just not into this kid. I don't feel any special connection to the little spirit growing inside me. It's not that I don't love Him/Her. I do. I really do. And I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but it's almost like how I feel for the little african children I see on tv with the flies all over the place. Is that just horribly wrong? Am I evil? Sometimes I almost wonder if I'm going to hold a grudge to this kid for taking away my time with taylor. Please tell me these are just crazy pregnancy thoughts. I really feel bad for even saying these things out loud.
I know that I will love and cherish this baby just as much as I do Taylor, and every child I have after... but when will those thoughts and feelings kick in? When I find out what I'm having? When I start shopping for this little one? When I finally have it? A week after it's born? A month after? When will I feel for this little guy/girl like I feel for my taylor? I want those feelings, but I can't make them come. And I feel guilty for it. I almost feel like I would have been fine with having Taylor and only Taylor! I know we're meant to have a bigger family though. I guess for right now, I just need to remember that Heavenly Father sent this child to us for a reason, and I'll fall madly in love with this baby just like I did with Taylor, or else it wouldn't have come to me. It's just hard for me to not put myself down for these feelings I don't feel. Sorry, This is all hormone fueled. I'm sure I'll be over it in 10 minutes or so.