C-Section Vs. Nature

I have known since before I was even pregnant with our little Maddie that she would be born by C-Section. Taylor was a c-section (not necessarily emergency, but not planned either) and though my doctor is not one of those "Once a section, always a section" I knew that I would never be able to deliver vaginally... I'm an "Always a section" kind of girl. I didn't really KNOW this until I was toying with the idea of maybe being induced a little early to see if I could deliver a smaller baby... Chris told me before he came into the room with Taylor's C-section, my ob pulled him aside and told him to really pay attention, because it was physically impossible for me to deliver a baby and so all our kids would be c-section. She didn't put it quite that way to me and so I was still hoping a tiny bit.

There are lots of pros to all this. For example, chris has had the time scheduled off from work for quite a while now. We don't have the worry of waiting around for labor to come. We already know what our daughter's birthday will be. I won't have any pain (before she's born.) There are a few cons for me too though. A c-section is alot harder to recover from. There's like 4 times greater chance of death in a c-section than otherwise. The scar tissue from my previous c-section could cause problems. There's not quite the thrill of anticipation. There's lots of pain afterwards. But all in all... This is what's best for me and my baby.

It was very hard to come to grips with. You can ask my mom and chris's mom. I kinda figured I'd have one with Taylor, but when I was finally told that she would be a c-section, I broke down. I knew I would never have the feel of pushing, of delivering a baby. I felt like my body was defective... It wouldn't be able to do the ONE thing it was created for. Then there were the little things my mom told me that helped! Taylor's head would be beautiful and round... not cone shaped. :) Funny, but true! Atleast I could carry the baby full term, even if they wouldn't come out on their own in the end. I finally calmed down and realized this was the way it was suppose to be.

Lately, I've been questioning whether or not this is the only option for me now. I think it's mainly due to the fact that I watch all these baby TV shows during the day. Every time a woman is able to deliver her baby, I feel a bit of Jealousy. A part of me hopes more and more that something happens that allows me to deliver this baby. I had one woman (actually smaller than me) who told me she took lots of classes and did all these different things to be able to deliver her 2nd child (her first was a c-section also.) She told me not to say that I'm an "always a section" kind of girl. That just made my hoping worse. I insisted to her that it really is physically IMPOSSIBLE for me to deliver a baby. But she made me wonder...

I guess I just didn't think I'd be having a hard time with this, since I've known it from the beginning. All that truly matters is that my baby, and myself, come out of this okay and are healthy. But a part of me can't help but feel jipped a little. I really would love to be able to deliver this little girl myself, to have my body do what it was created for. But either way, c-section or not, my dear beautiful daughter will come into this world and hopefully will be the healthy, happy little girl I keep dreaming about. I just have to keep telling myself this is the way it was meant to be... and maybe turn the TV off more often!